Anna here, writing to you from Paris!
Paris is reason enough to be excited, but the best part is that I get to rewrite a dark chapter in my personal food story. Back in 2015, my disordered relationship with food and my body was at its worst. When my family broke the news that we would be taking a trip to Paris, I was thrilled… for about a day.
Then, the negative thoughts crept in…
“Oh my goodness, all of these French people are going to be so thin!”
“I don’t want to be the ‘fat American.’ “
“I need to be able to fit in…”
In the weeks leading up to the trip, my disordered thoughts around food grew to become the worst they had ever been. I began restricting my intake even more. I bought clothing that was smaller than my size, trying to model different “Parisian styles,” hoping that I’d be able to fit into them by the time the trip came. I worked out. SO. MUCH.
Did that enable me to reach my “goal” and fly off to Paris without a care in the world? Well, you probably know the answer to that.
Once the day of the trip finally arrived, the meal-by-meal anxiety began. I remember having so much anxiety getting on the plane, because I knew that the flight attendants were going to be serving two or three meals during the flight. Images of “unhealthy” fare raced through my head as well as the idea that I couldn’t eat it!
I had to avoid gaining weight on the flight over.
I had packed some “healthy” foods, nothing substantial, probably a 100 kcal packet of nuts, a fruit bar, and other “clean” snacks. When mealtime arrived, I picked at the in-flight meals, snacked on my “healthy” food, and avoided carbs at all costs.
During a layover, my family and I snapped a picture together. At the time, I remember thinking that I looked huge, and wishing that I was wearing a baggier shirt to hide my “fat.” I still have that picture, and I almost do not recognize myself because of how tiny I am in it. I was experiencing complete body dysmorphia; I thought my body was too big, but my reality was the complete opposite.
Of course, once we got to Paris, we were surrounded by delectable food. Pastries, croissants, quiche, bread, crepes, macaroons… you name it!
Instead of soaking in the experience, I felt constant fear and anxiety. I did not allow myself to really enjoy what I was eating because I felt so guilty about consuming too many carbs.
Then there was, of course, the reflection of that feeling… the temptation to eat ALL the carbs immediately because I would never be allowed to have them again once I got home. I bounced wildly between those two mindsets—binge, restrict, binge, restrict—for the entirety of the trip.
And no matter which mindset I was in, restrict or binge, I felt anxiety, guilt, and shame. Every time I looked in the mirror, I thought that my body looked bigger, and I hated myself for it.
That’s not to say that I didn’t try to lose weight while in Paris. Oh, I tried alright…
One day we visited a museum. Not being quite a museum person, I decided that I would put the time to good use. We had eaten a big breakfast with “too many” carbs, so I decided I would work out in the museum to burn it off. My sister has a video of me doing crunches on a bench in a museum in Paris.
I was so entrenched in diet culture and the “burn it to earn it” mentality that I thought that full-on working out in a museum was normal. I think I remember telling my sister to post the video on social media so my friends could see I “didn’t fall off the wagon!”
So you could say I’ve been to Paris, but… I wasn’t there. Certainly not mentally. I was too preoccupied with food, my body, and what I thought everyone else was thinking about them.
Needless to say, I was prepared to feel all the feels this time around.
But I was also really excited to walk the streets of Paris again and remember who I was in 2015 and how far I’ve come.
This time around, I’ve been having cappuccinos, not with skim or almond milk, but with whole milk and real sugar. I’ve been sitting at cafes and eating bread, cheese, and traditional Parisian foods, all while being fully present.
I wish I could go back and give that advice to 2015 Anna. But here and now, I’m so grateful that I’ve had the opportunity to go back to Paris and reclaim this experience for myself.
As I explore the city, I’ve been letting all thoughts and memories surface, and allowing myself to sit in them. I’m also trying to be flexible when it comes to food, holding no expectations on what I “should” be eating or how meals “should” go.
My only rule during this trip has been to nourish myself so that I have the energy to truly enjoy myself and be present!
If you’ve got a vacation coming up and are feeling that same diet-culture-induced anxiety, I recommend listening to our recent podcast episode How to Enjoy Vacation as an Intuitive Eater. In it, we discuss tips for avoiding that “out of control” feeling around food on vacation, decreasing negative body image thoughts on vacation, staying present during your trip, and stopping the food obsession
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