Have you ever revisited a town or place that reminds you of when you were at your lowest? The ghosts of diets past as one could say!
As a lifelong resident of the sunshine state, I looove summer, and all things beach and sunshine! At the same time, summertime always brings back memories of the time when I was experiencing my own personal worst disordered eating behaviors and thoughts about my body. I grew up in a beach town here in St. Augustine, Florida, so I always spent my whole summer at the beach.
Sounds great, right? Well, let’s take a trip down memory lane…
First, though, I want to acknowledge that I benefit from thin privilege. That means that my body has always fit inside society’s definition of an “acceptable” size. Although I have struggled with my relationship with food and my body, I have not had to face the discrimination that those in larger bodies face every day just for existing.
In high school, I was an athlete so I was very active. Unfortunately, most of my athletic training was focused not on performance, but on controlling my food intake. There were a lot of food rules around fueling, which impacted my relationship with food.
On summer mornings, I would usually participate in a sports workout with my friends. After that, I wouldn’t eat breakfast, instead I would just go lay down at the beach. I would wear the same swimsuit every single day because I felt like I looked “fat” in all the other ones.
I would bring a very small amount of food that I felt was “acceptable.” I remember bringing some cherries, a small bag of granola, and a water full of chia seeds…
Then, I would bake in the sun. If I found myself feeling tired or dizzy, the ocean would revive me. In reality, I probably had heat exhaustion and was starving—I really don’t know how I survived out there for as long as I did!
Lying on the beach, I would zone out. I felt if I stayed at the beach long enough, I wouldn’t eat, and would lose weight. After that, all the rewards of weight loss would follow: People would like me, I’d be this healthy human forever, and everything would be fine in life. I wouldn’t have any uncomfortable emotions. I’d be thin, and it was going to be great.
So essentially, I was using the beach as a tool to withstand extreme restriction. That was how I spent my summers.
Most of the time, I don’t have to think about that undernourished girl baking on the beach. But this summer, I’m spending quite a lot of time back in St. Augustine, and the memories keep coming back.
Maybe you can relate… maybe there’s a place that you’ve visited every summer (or every winter, or any other season) for years, and maybe that place holds a lot of memories from when you were trapped in diet culture. If your mindset is completely different now, then I’m sure it took many years to get to this point.
When I see the same places I used to go during my summers, a lot of complicated emotions come up.
I feel sadness for my younger self. I wish I could go back in time and shake her and make her realize that her worth was not dictated by her body. And that the people around her loved her for her, and not because of what she looked like. And that anybody who DID want her around just for her appearance didn’t deserve a place in her life.
I feel regretful that I wasted so many years of my life preoccupied with shrinking my body. I wasn’t truly present for a lot of those summers because I was severely underfueling and under nourishing my body. I didn’t even fully know what was going on during that time; I was there physically, but mentally I was preoccupied.
At the same time, I feel a sense of relief—relief that I am no longer that person. I’m constantly learning, growing, giving myself grace, and talking kindly to myself about my body.
Experiences like that are not a matter of “if,” but a matter of “when” because if you have spent years suffering in diet culture, you’re going to experience strong feelings and emotions looking back.
No matter how far along you are on your intuitive eating journey, you’ll also have days when you feel a bit uncomfortable in your body, or days when you mourn a smaller body that you may have had in the past, and that’s normal!
To deal with these uncomfortable experiences, it’s important to develop a repertoire of tools. In the past, you may have used dieting, restriction, bingeing, or overexercising as a way to escape uncomfortable thoughts and emotions. To seek a healthier relationship with food and your body, you need to replace unhealthy coping mechanisms with strategies that serve you.
Here are a few of my favorites for this situation:
- Give yourself grace – Not every day is going to be a great day. You’re not supposed to constantly have it together, no one can do that!
- Accept that “fat” is not a feeling – If you’re “feeling fat,” you need to dig down to the root emotions. Once you can identify the root of what is bothering you, you can work on it. Maybe the root of this feeling is that your bathing suit is uncomfortable; ok, buy one that fits your body and increase your comfort level.
- Give yourself permission – You have permission to feel sad for your past self and feel those feelings, like I expressed earlier being back in St. Augustine. Sit in the emotions, even if it is uncomfortable and experience them. Don’t block them out just because they are uncomfortable.
- Acknowledge how far you’ve come – If you feel grief when looking back, that means you are in a totally different place than before you started your journey! Don’t minimize the work you’ve done, celebrate it!
As for me, I’m light years from that zoned out, undernourished girl on the beach. I love her and I’m sorry for what she suffered through, but I’m thrilled to not be in her flip flops anymore.
This summer I’m making new memories in the same places. The beach is now a safe haven and a place to reflect on how far I’ve come! Now I know that I’m allowed to get tacos with a friend and bring them down to the beach so we can enjoy them together. I can also grab a delicious smoothie at Tropical Smoothie and sip it on the beach to cool down. I am free to bring, eat, and enjoy the foods that will leave me satisfied and full. I am so grateful that I now know and accept that my body needs nourishment, whether I’m laying on a beach all day, running a marathon, or working at my desk, my body needs fuel 24/7.
To those of you that have taken the time to read this blog, I’m sending you love & grace wherever you are along your food freedom journey. If you’re looking for more support, check out our resources!
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